I know I won't capture all of my feelings or thoughts but that is not what is necessary in this post. This is one of a kind.
I can't believe it's been 5 years since the day that nature took it's course. Maybe nature wasn't intended to take it's course but instead it was accelerated by our everyday lifestyle & decisions. It took a tragedy to wake up and become conscious. It took death for me to live.
It's crazy because it's you that I live for and now that you're gone I need you more. My beautiful mother Patricia. The memories you left ingrained in my brain will always make me smile. I know my mother wasn't perfect but no one on this earth is. I know you lost a part of you're heart when you decided that I should live with my grandparents. It must have been difficult as a mother to lose her 1st born child but you did what you thought was necessary for my well-being. I wish I could have taken the pain away from your heart but only you knew why you made those decisions.
Those wise but adolescent decisions.
I never knew how to channel the anger that I kept caged like a prisoner in solitary confinement. I felt @ home and assimilated through the years with my grandparents and it was a lot easier to be comfortable because my 2 other cousins, Ricky & Vanessa lived there also. I consider them my brother and sister. Somehow though I always felt like we were looked upon by our aunts as getting more attention or love from our grandparents. I don't blame them though for feeling any sort of way about the situation.
There is no structure to this letter because it is just a free-form expression.
This is my open letter to you Mom. I just wish that I was a little more aware of things when you began to get sick. Seeing you in those final stages, there are things that I regret, things that I wish I would have done and said and things that I wish I could take back. I don't let those regrets dictate my life but I'm not like other people who say that they don't regret things they've done in the past. That everything happens for a reason and you just have to let them go but if you think about it those same events make you who you are today. In other words I wish I had compassion and actually thought about my actions back then but I was only 16. How do you deal with reality when it's at your doorstep and you're practically a child? I had to emotionally and mentally grow up before it was my time because you're passing was not natures calling but your calling to the world, to my world.
How is it nature when a mother has to bury their child?
I refuse to call that life.
This is a time to reflect but more concentrated because everyday is a reflection of you in some way.
I Miss You dearly and I know that I'm not the only one.
I yearn to have as much love as you had. I make it my duty to care about those around me and afar as much as you cared for those around you. I will never forget that every year on my B-day you would have a cake for me and at least one present for me to open no matter how much money you didn't have. I understand now that you just wanted me to be happy and I Love You for that.
I wish I would have known more about you Mom.. because when you passed away I didn't cry at your physical departure but yet at the fact that I was barely getting to know you and have a relationship with you as a young adult. I cried because I could see my grandparents' heart dissolve as if it had been shot down.
I cried because on August 11th,2004, I knew subconsciously that a piece of myself died.
Don't blame me as an emotional baby, that's just the way my experiences made me!!
I thank you Mom for everything you have given me and all the strength you have shown me through your life, whether it was directly or indirectly or through stories that I heard from my family about you. Even when you're not here you still affect my life.
One day I wish to be like you, where I can be gone and still have an impact on those lives that I touched. I dedicate to you my life. I'm going to make you proud. I Love You!!
Here's a poem I wrote for you..
The Day I Saw an Angel Fly, I was shocked because it didn't come from heaven
It emerged from the ground we stand on and the day was August 11th
I cried in disbelief and asked myself could this be a dream?
But how can I question myself if this is what my eyes have seen
I guess I wasn't prepared for this day to come so early
And there's no doubt in my mind that this angel has reached the gates which are pearly
When this angel left me it took a big part out of my heart
So I'll pray till the day we meet again and hopefully we never depart
What was left for me to think as I wait for this ink to dry
Are we living in hell already? And will I become a star in the sky?
Since this angel took flight, Lord knows I've been depressed
It's not something so easily visible and the lonesome has me stressed
Everybody has a mom but mine will never be seen
Because when I dream I scream
While others are blessed and caressed
Listen to what I have to say, if you love someone tell them today
Don't take things for granted because we're not promised everyday
My lovely Mother lived her life but why is this in past tense, why?
Because the day I saw an angel fly I heard my mother died.....
Dedicated to my beautiful mother who I also dedicate my life to.. Patricia M. Reyes
---------Te amo siempre y no puedo esperar hasta que despierte de este sueno, Tu Hijo Cesar
Last pic....
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